← Back to Learn · 6 min read

What to Say After Yelling at Your Child

You yelled. It happened. Your kid's face crumpled, or they got quiet, or they yelled back. Now you're standing there feeling terrible.

Here's what you need to know: the yell isn't the end of the story. What you do next matters more than the fact that you lost it.

Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy calls this "repair" - and she considers it one of the most important parenting skills there is. Kids don't need perfect parents. They need parents who come back.

Before You Repair: Wait Until You're Calm

Give yourself 5-10 minutes before approaching your child. You can't model emotional regulation while you're still worked up.

Use this time to:

  • Take some slow breaths (in for 4, out for 6)
  • Splash cold water on your face
  • Step outside for a moment

When your heart rate has come back down, you're ready.

The Basic Repair Framework

Every good repair has four elements:

  1. Get on their level - Physically. Kneel or sit.
  2. Acknowledge your behavior - Say what you did, without blame.
  3. Apologize - Simply and sincerely.
  4. Offer connection - But don't force it.

What you don't do is just as important. Never say:

  • "You made me yell"
  • "If you had just listened..."
  • "I wouldn't have yelled if you..."
  • "But you have to admit..."

These phrases shift blame to the child. A real apology takes full responsibility.

Age-by-Age Repair Scripts

Toddlers (Ages 1-4)

Wait time: 2-5 minutes

What they understand: Toddlers don't process long explanations. They understand tone, facial expressions, and physical comfort. Keep it very simple.

Script:

"Daddy got too loud. I'm sorry. Daddy loves you. Hugs?"

Tips:

  • Get down on the floor - sitting or kneeling
  • Open your arms but let them come to you
  • If they're not ready, say "I'm right here when you want a hug"
  • Don't over-explain - they won't understand and it's more for you than for them

Remember: Toddlers won't remember your exact words. They'll remember your tone and that you came back.

Little Kids (Ages 5-8)

Wait time: 5 minutes

What they understand: Kids this age are starting to understand cause and effect, but they're also very literal. They need to hear clearly that they're not bad and that your anger was yours to manage.

Script:

"Hey buddy. Dad got really frustrated and I yelled. That wasn't okay. I'm sorry. I love you even when I'm mad."

Tips:

  • Kneel or sit so you're eye-to-eye
  • If they want to talk about what happened, listen
  • Offer a hug but accept if they're not ready
  • If they pull away, say "I'm here when you want a hug"

At this age, they're learning that adults have big feelings too, and that relationships can survive conflict.

Big Kids (Ages 9-12)

Wait time: 10-15 minutes

What they understand: Kids this age have a strong sense of fairness. They can feel disrespected by yelling and may need time to process before they're ready to engage.

Script:

"Hey. I know that was intense. You okay?"

[Let them respond]

"I got way too heated back there. That's on me, not you. I'm sorry."

"Want to talk about what happened? If not now, that's cool too."

Tips:

  • Don't force the conversation - give them an out
  • If they want to talk about the underlying issue, listen first
  • Physical comfort might feel awkward at this age - a fist bump or hand on their shoulder works
  • Acknowledge their feelings about being yelled at before revisiting the original issue

At this age, they're watching how you handle your mistakes. This is modeling.

Teens (Ages 13+)

Wait time: Up to an hour (let them cool down too)

What they understand: Teens have adult-level cognitive abilities but are still developing emotional regulation. They can smell inauthenticity a mile away. Be direct and don't over-apologize.

Script:

[Knock on door] "Hey, can I come in for a sec?"

[If yes]

"I lost my cool earlier. That wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry."

[Pause - they might shrug or stay quiet. That's okay.]

"I just wanted you to know. I'll do better."

Tips:

  • Ask permission to enter their space
  • Keep it brief - no long speeches
  • Don't expect immediate forgiveness or engagement
  • If they want to revisit the original issue, be willing to hear their side
  • Avoid "I'm only human" or "You know I love you" as substitutes for a real apology

Teens remember authenticity. A real apology without excuses goes further than a perfect speech.

What If They're Still Upset?

Sometimes kids need more time. That's okay. You can say:

"I can see you're still upset. That makes sense. I'm here when you're ready."

Then give them space. Don't keep apologizing or trying to fix it. Let them come to you.

What If You Need to Revisit the Original Issue?

Sometimes there was a real problem that triggered the yell - the child did something they shouldn't have. You can address that after the repair:

"I shouldn't have yelled. That's on me. But we do need to talk about [the thing]. Let's do that when we're both calm."

The repair comes first. Then, separately, the conversation about their behavior. Mixing them muddies the apology.

The Bigger Picture

Repair isn't just about fixing one moment. It's teaching your kids something crucial:

  • Relationships can survive conflict
  • Adults take responsibility for their behavior
  • Apologizing doesn't make you weak
  • Love doesn't disappear during hard moments

Every repair you do is an investment in your relationship with your kid. Years from now, they won't remember the yell. They'll remember that you came back.

It's hard to find the right words when you're still shaken up. Steady Dad puts these scripts on your phone so you don't have to think - just read.

Related Reading

References: The concept of "repair" in parent-child relationships draws from attachment theory research by John Bowlby and the work of Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside (2022).